Western Science Is So Wonderful by Cordwainer Smith

Author:Cordwainer Smith [Smith, Cordwainer]
Format: epub
Published: 2010-03-07T17:15:25.718000+00:00

The Martian said,

"I don't think you like me being a girl. It bothers you, doesn't it?"

"Since you do not exist you cannot bother me. But if you don't mind could you please change your shape again?" The Martian took on the appearance of a chubby little Buddha. He knew this was a little impious, but he felt Farrer give a sigh of relief. Even Li seemed cheered up, now that the Martian had taken on a proper religious form.

"Listen, you obscene demonic monstrosity," snarled Kungsun, "this is the Chinese People's Republic. You have absolutely no business taking on supernatural images or conducting un atheistic activities. Please abolish yourself and those illusions yonder.

What do you want, anyhow?"

"I would like," said the Martian mildly, "to become a member of the Chinese Communist Party."

Farrer and Kungsun stared at each other. Then they both spoke at once, Farrer in Russian and Kungsun in Chinese.

"But we can't let you in the Party."

Kungsun said,

"If you're a demon you don't exist, and if you do exist you're illegal."

The Martian smiled.

"Take some refreshments. You may change your minds. Would you like a girl?" he said, pointing at the assorted Russian beauties who still slept in their lounge chairs.

But Kungsun and Farrer shook their heads.

With a sigh the Martian de materialized the girls and replaced them with three striped Siberian tigers. The tigers approached. One tiger stopped cozily behind the Martian and sat down. The Martian sat on him. Said the Martian brightly,

"I like tigers to sit on. They're so comfortable. Have a tiger." Farrer and Kungsun were staring open-mouthed at their respective tigers. The tigers yawned at them and stretched out. With a tremendous effort of will the two young men sat down on the ground in front of their tigers. Farrer sighed.

"What do you want? I suppose you won this trick ..." Said the Martian,

"Have a jug of wine."

He materialized a jug of wine and a porcelain cup in front of each, including himself. He poured himself a drink and looked at them through shrewd, narrowed eyes.

"I would like to learn all about Western science. You see, I am a Martian student who was exiled here to become the 1,387,229th Eastern Subordinate Incarnation of a Lohan and I have been here more than two thousand years, and I can only perceive in a radius of ten leagues. Western science is very interesting. If I could, I would like to be an engineering student, but since I cannot leave this

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